Aug 24, 2012

That time I went to jail...

That's right! I'ze been to jail! What?! You didn't think they could catch leprechauns did you? They caught this one. 
<-- Really wish I drew this, but I found it on Google images after I typed in Leprechaun in jail, for an extra giggle, type that in... funny stuff there. Like this:

 <--- What the hotel does this have to do with leprechauns, whatsoever? Although, You have to love that his name is Bob Barker. And That it is WTVF, which can only lead to fun times discerning new words for the V.

Anywho.. Back to me, and mah gansta Bravo self! Years ago, I got picked up at 5:00 in the morning by some of the county's finest. I won't say which county, but I will say slackjawed, inbreeding, pig-foxtrotting, backwoods, over the mountain yokels. Officers Daffy and Laffy came into the home unannounced to arrest me, in front of my children, put me in the car and drove me to the station. Because "they had 'wurrents' and I was a flight risk".. .. .. Say what now? At the station, they called the magistrate, let me tell you how happy she was to have been awakened by Daffy and Laffy.... Not. And after an hour or so, they realized that they had not only picked up the wrong person, but that the person in question was supposed to be a male. Back then I was a bit plumper, had longer hair, and actual boobs. Really? Really Daffy? And Laffy? I could understand now. With the short hair, I weigh nothing soaking wet, no boobs left because of the weight loss. I could let it slide..a bit.

So, they apologized, and sat me down in the waiting room. 20 minutes later, Daffy came in, pleased as punch, to let me know that he had indeed found a warrant for me. He was so proud. You would have thought he had crapped the biggest crap in the crap your own float parade! And then he proceeded to stick me into the drunk tank. WHAT? WHY? Why does it smell so bad? Everything smells like piss in here! So, I cried. A lot. I'm not proud of that. During those bright shining moments of my existence, a face came to the window..not just any face mind you, the goofiest ass face I have ever seen in my life! And he just stood there, breath fogging up the glass with his huge teeth, bulbous nose pressed against the window, and the biggest, thickest glasses I had ever laid my eyes on just a'starin at me.. Then he says.. YUUUR PUUURDY! Through the glass... and just kept on a'starin... That's when I lost my sh*t. I bawled like someone just shot my pony. 

Hours later, deputies arrived from another county to transport me. Evidently they did indeed find a warrant. For failure to appear in court. For bouncing a $20 check to a pizza joint, a year before, that I paid back. That's right! I had even taken care of it! They failed to let the court know however, and I spent 4 days in jail because of it. Friday, Friday night, Saturday, Saturday night, Sunday, Sunday night, and Monday. I typed all of that out because each minute feels like 30 in jail. It's dirty, and sad. I had never been in any trouble before, hadn't done anything wrong that time, and was Mad, and Sad.  Taking a growler in a tiny toilet on camera isn't MY idea of a good time either.

Not to mention the crap they put into the food and water. Saltpeter. Oh yeah! They sho nuff did! So, you are constantly thirsty. Constantly starving, I tell you, I have NEVER been so hungry as I was in jail, we fell on that food every time they brought it in like starving wolves.

Every Saturday night in jail, it's quiet. Why? The entire prison is watching Cops. Swear! They all love it! Crowded around the TV like little kids. And a lot of card playing. I still can't play cards without thinking about it.

After four, count them four court appearances, and 40 hours of community service, for something I didn't even do, I finally got the charges dismissed. I had to threaten my ever so talented court appointed lawyer with all kinds of nasty things before he finally got that taken care of. I had to go myself and get proof that the pizza place wasn't even in business anymore.

And that my dear readers was a time in my life I like to think of as just plain F***ed Up.


  1. So sorry to hear about your experience. They are quick to toss you in, don't have any problem with that, but always struggling to get out.

    1. Thanks! It was years back so i can laugh now. Not so much then.

  2. My god, that's just insane! How on earth did they get away with that?

    1. The 'good old boy' network. Thats how. Sad huh?

  3. Dude that sucks.... At least I haven't ended up there yet. I like the laffy daffy designations. Gotta love the justice system too, what the hell people?

  4. Ikr? Thanks Man! Always appreciated!
    No. There was no justice to be found with any of the situation, sadly.

  5. That's the back woods, redneck justice system for you. You are just mighty damn lucky that you weren't bunking with Mr. Yur Purdy. Now THAT would have been a weekend to remember. The problem is, you have no options for retribution to the department because it was a valid warrant, even though it most definitely should have been quashed. Sorry, chica. But at least it adds to your bad girl criminal image you are trying to cultivate. That and the tats and nose ring should really put you over the edge on the Bad Girls Club audition.

  6. I watched an episode of Scared Straight the other day. They went to a women's prison. It was seriously the scariest thing I have ever seen. Even moreso than every horror movie I have ever watched plus clowns.

    I promptly made my kids watch it. I figure I'd start them off young with the Fear.

    So sorry that happened to you, man. I hope karma bites those stupid cops in the behind!!



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