How to swear without pissing people off

 Years ago, working as an F&I girl at an Auto Dealership, I was their bitch. Whatever the 'boys' didn't want to have to do, I did. This meant that I had to call all of the Insurances companies and verify coverages. Call the banks, and get payoffs or approvals, stamp, shuffle, file, fill out, basic bitch work. I had to read off VIN numbers to morons all day, every day. Sometimes my poor ADD brain, would slip slightly into a coma from sheer boredom. But, then I learned the Phonetic Alphabet. This made reading off those VIN numbers a breeze. Unless of course the person I was reading it to was shall we say 'special', and then I would have to go VERY slowly. Sigh.

But, the phonetic alphabet can be fun, too! We all know you can't call someone a F&*king C&*T. Not in today's society where God forbid you offend someone! *Gasp* the horror of telling someone they have a fault of some sort of other in the vague hope they may change said flaw. Hell no! You will instead OFFEND them, and because of their; religious beliefs, upraising, values, ideals, color, background, size, delusions, pet choice, whateverdafuck, they will claim mortal offense and sue you.

 You can't say anything to anyone anymore. The fact that maybe let's say they were once strippers, and are now power mommies, make's them a former slut, but you can't say that! The fact that the same cow thinks she poops flowers and sunshine better than anyone else, could ever possibly poop anything, also makes her a stupid, dumb, stuck up slut. You know her! We all know someone like this! But you can't call her anything bad.

Let's say some douchebag in the store pushes their cart right in front of yours, You can't just call him or her a Mother F^&ker.  Though, I must say the temptation is strong. The force is a strong one in this girl!

Now, the power of the phonetic alphabet!! TADA! I even added a wee picture for you to peruse, so that you can play along, too! Whatever the first letter of the word is, replace it with the corresponding phonetic stand in. Let's say you want to call someone a Di*k Face...Delta Foxtrot. Weasel Fu&*er.... Whiskey Foxtrot. Limp dick? easy! ..Lima Delta. Sh*t faced C&*t? Sierra Foxtrot Charlie. Mother F&*ker...Mama Foxtrot. That one's my favorite.

Yes, I know..why not just tell someone they are ugly, stupid and shouldn't breed? Because we can't. We have to be nice, and pretend to get along.

Have fun, my kids and I do it allll the time, and it gives us endless amusement.

Is it only me or is it extra amusing that this handy dandy chart I found gives a phonic pronounciation for the truly 'special'?  Gotta love it.