How to swear without pissing people off

 Years ago, working as an F&I girl at an Auto Dealership, I was their bitch. Whatever the 'boys' didn't want to have to do, I did. This meant that I had to call all of the Insurances companies and verify coverages. Call the banks, and get payoffs or approvals, stamp, shuffle, file, fill out, basic bitch work. I had to read off VIN numbers to morons all day, every day. Sometimes my poor ADD brain, would slip slightly into a coma from sheer boredom. But, then I learned the Phonetic Alphabet. This made reading off those VIN numbers a breeze. Unless of course the person I was reading it to was shall we say 'special', and then I would have to go VERY slowly. Sigh.

But, the phonetic alphabet can be fun, too! We all know you can't call someone a F&*king C&*T. Not in today's society where God forbid you offend someone! *Gasp* the horror of telling someone they have a fault of some sort of other in the vague hope they may change said flaw. Hell no! You will instead OFFEND them, and because of their; religious beliefs, upraising, values, ideals, color, background, size, delusions, pet choice, whateverdafuck, they will claim mortal offense and sue you.

 You can't say anything to anyone anymore. The fact that maybe let's say they were once strippers, and are now power mommies, make's them a former slut, but you can't say that! The fact that the same cow thinks she poops flowers and sunshine better than anyone else, could ever possibly poop anything, also makes her a stupid, dumb, stuck up slut. You know her! We all know someone like this! But you can't call her anything bad.

Let's say some douchebag in the store pushes their cart right in front of yours, You can't just call him or her a Mother F^&ker.  Though, I must say the temptation is strong. The force is a strong one in this girl!

Now, the power of the phonetic alphabet!! TADA! I even added a wee picture for you to peruse, so that you can play along, too! Whatever the first letter of the word is, replace it with the corresponding phonetic stand in. Let's say you want to call someone a Di*k Face...Delta Foxtrot. Weasel Fu&*er.... Whiskey Foxtrot. Limp dick? easy! ..Lima Delta. Sh*t faced C&*t? Sierra Foxtrot Charlie. Mother F&*ker...Mama Foxtrot. That one's my favorite.

Yes, I know..why not just tell someone they are ugly, stupid and shouldn't breed? Because we can't. We have to be nice, and pretend to get along.

Have fun, my kids and I do it allll the time, and it gives us endless amusement.

Is it only me or is it extra amusing that this handy dandy chart I found gives a phonic pronounciation for the truly 'special'?  Gotta love it.

John Bwown's head

No, my lovelies, that is not a typo. I meant to say John Bwown, and I'll tell you why.

I live in Virginia. Close by is not only the Much made ado over Manassas battlefields, but also Harper's Ferry, Antietam, Gettysburg, all close by. Personally, I never understood making a big deal about death, war and the sadness that erupted from it all, or the greed it stemmed from, but who I am to judge?

Last Friday night, my friend Megan, her friend Jeff and I went to a local town, I will not mention which one, in an adjoining state, (that vagueness should keep the lawsuits away) and went on a Ghost Tour. Oh yes, a ghost tour. Bona-freakin-fied.

The host of said tour had a speech impediment that made pronouncing his R's and L's difficult. For those of you, who have a sister/kid/brother/friend/cat with a speech impediment and do NOT find it amusing, protect yourselves and leave now.

The guy sounded, I kid you not, like a Looney Tune character. It. Was. Awesome. Imagine hearing the story of poor John Brown like this..."John Bwown wanted to be baywied in a gwass topped coffin, with his head at the top, and had stipoowations in his wiwwl that he be baywied that way."  He said some other story about someone another who was shoved awound, and what have you, and how he became vewwy depwessed.... Oh sweet mercy! I had to cross my legs and bite my lip.

I know it’s unfair to make fun of him. I just don't care. That was FUNNY!  It was one of the funniest nights of my life. Wandering around while his wife took constant pictures of the 'high ghost activity' and actually got some 'orbs' on film. I don't know what orbs are but that struck me as hilarious, with the filthy brain that I have. And some other lady came down a side street and told us that she got a picture of a mist, which was quite obviously smoke from her own cigarette that she was still smoking. Yep, that bright!

So, for the rest of the evening Megan, Jeff and I ran around talking about John Bwown's head, and pretending to see it everywhere, tried to catch twains, pwayed awound, and generally causing mayhem and discomfort for any and all who may have heard us.

This is John Bwown.

I don't want anyone to think that I am in any way making fun of poor John Brown. Or his head. He was a believer in justice and freedom, and did amazing things. He stood up for what he believed in which was that slavery was wrong, and it was, and still is. The fact that he massacred people to get his point across made him a badass back then. Everything was different then, there was no politically correct anything.
I'm not making fun of him, or speech impediments as my own son had a pronounced lisp. Seriously, Speech therapy works wonders! I AM however making fun of everyone who

A. Can’t take a joke 
B. Take life too seriously
  or
C. uses the word orbs   (snicker...orbs! bwah!)

Food Cravings

I was reading a post earlier by This fabulous lady, who I find awesome and hilarious, and now all I want is vodka sauce. It's overpowering. Must. Have.Vodka.Sauce. On noodles with meatballs. Just the word vodka makes me think of delicious tangy, creamy vodka sauce. I could cry.
For me to have this deliciousness, this culinary delight, this tastebud tantalizer, I would have to make the sauce, and meatballs from scratch in order to make sure there are no traces of gluten, wheat, flour, high fructose corn syrup, artificial colors, flavors, or sweeteners. And would have to use gluten free pasta. Not the same. Not at all. yes, it's close, but not the same at all.
 My kids, mean little buggers, refuse to eat it.
The cravings are what get to me, I barely eat anyway, so going without and monitoring my food intake is nothing new to me. I was anorexic for most of my life, so not eating cupcakes? Piece of cake, pun intended.
But when I want something, and it's always something that would be a pain in the ass to make, I want it now!And I will obsess over it. A LOT. I don't even like vodka. But, I LOVE vodka sauce. I could eat it on cereal. If I could eat cereal, which I can't. Well, I guess I could, but Rice Krispies in soy milk? Pukearino.
No One wants to eat that. If they say that they do they must be repressed and hiding maniacal urges like a crackhead hides their rock. Which, I assume is up their butt, right? Maybe that's why repressed people always look like they have a lead pipe up there.
Food for thought.
*Update* I now have a new love for vodka, evidently I DO love vodka, I was just drinking the wrong kind before, it's grey goose or nothing. Chilled, with a lemon wedge, OH God's Green Underpants! its Glorious.

Life is like an 80's sitcom

It's true, and not true at the same time. In the sitcoms there are kids everywhere, music is always playing, there is always a problem to be solved, there are usually 3 or more kids, each different is his/her way. One may love baseball, the other want new ballet shoes, the third guitar strings, all are gorgeous, all talented in some way, and there is always someone complaining about something.  The Mom works, and the kids feel neglected at imaginary slights, the middle kid is always a concern. That part for me, is all true.

They go on trips, fight with one another, make up and then eat dinner. They all love one another, though the kids rarely show it.

Here are the differences:

In the sitcoms, The kids cry, beg, whine, and it's all hilarious, because there is a laugh track. In real life, there is no laugh track. The mom is exhausted, the kids try her patience, work stinks, the bills are piling up and becoming unavoidably overdue, none of this is funny. It's not funny at all.

In the sitcoms, there is a Dad. he works, comes home, asks what's for dinner, kisses his wife, and talks to the kids. In real life the Dad is on his 3rd marriage, he never sees the kids, because he is to busy with his new family, he may be an alcoholic, do drugs, be in jail, have turned gay, skipped the country, whatever the case, but he isn't home playing ball with Junior in the backyard that's for sure.

In the sitcoms, there is a housekeeper or butler, who always manages to make everyone feel better, keeps the house clean, solves myriad daily problems, shops, cooks, and serves. In real life, that person is the Mom. And no one follows her around with a video camera and a live audience.

In the sitcoms, they all sit down to dinner, eat whatever is served, talk, laugh, yadda yadda. In real life, everyone is allergic to something different, we all are on different schedules, and we eat when and where we can. Sometimes we are lucky enough to eat at the table, and in rare shining moments, it is a lovely dinner where we laugh, and no one complains about the food, everyone puts their plate in the sink and even rinses it, and then you all watch a movie together. As I said, rarely.

In the sitcoms, they either have money, or always seem to find it when they need it. In real life, you scrimp, pinch, tighten, scrounge, beg, borrow or steal, and still can't make ends meet.

In sitcoms, they have big gorgeous houses, lovely yards, and plenty of room for all. In real life, we cram together into where we can afford to live, and make sure to lock and bolt the door at night.

In sitcoms and in reality however, the meaning is the same, love one another. Never give up. be nice. Life is funny, and you never know what may happen!

Celiac Awareness day

Today is September 13th, 2011. Celiac awareness day!  Why is it so important to have such a day? Because without awareness we have no voice, we will never have a cure, we will constantly suffer from mislabeled foods, accidental gluten intake, and cross contamination.

I have compiled some great links for everyone to read over, that are chock full of statistics. The saddest one is that 1 in every 22 people have this disease if someone in their family has it, and 1 in 133 people without a family history have Celiac.

Here are the links I have found:

http://digestive.niddk.nih.gov/ddisease/pubs/celiac

www.celiaccentral.org/Celiac-Disease/facts-figures/35/

www.celiac.com/articles/1164/1/Celiac-disease-Statistics/page1.html

http://celiac-disease.emedtv.com/celiac-disease/celiac-disease-statistics.html

Please spread the word today, blog, facebook, twitter, hang a billboard, hire an sky writer, put it on a hot air balloon, put a sign on your dog, write it in the sand, squirt on your plate with mustard, whatever it takes. Let's not run screaming through crowds naked with it painted on our bodies, that would be extravagantly silly, but tell someone who may not know about it.

Day Dreaming

I have been day dreaming a lot lately. About what I would do if I had a million bajillion dollars. That's right,  a million bajillion, which I assume looks something like this: $1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.00
Can you imagine? I can.
Imagine not having to worry about money. Ever again. Think about it, never having to worry if you have the money to pay a co-pay for your child's doctor's vist, or if the $30 you spent at the grocery store will put your checking account in the hole so you could feed your family. Your children would be taken care of in every way, no need to worry about having enough money for braces, books and shoes, food, toys and school clothes. They would have their own pantries stocked chock full of delicious goodies for them, and you could have your own pantry stocked with all the Gluten free foods your little heart could ever desire. For those of you who can eat gluten, you could stock it up with brownies, and pizza and cookies, sweet!
Your dogs would always be groomed, your home always immaculate. You wouldn't come home every day exhausted and worn from the daily demands upon your time. You could be eccentric!
I would LOVE that! I would do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, and just say " I'm eccentric!", as I cruise along in my hot rod in a different costume every day. Marilyn Monroe one day, Bullwinkle the next, it would be fabulous!
You could have a giant dollhouse, a treehouse, four wheelers, a roller coaster, a pet sloth. Whatever rocks your chair! For me, I would have LOTS of land. Hundreds of acres, and I would let my friends and family each pick out a plot and build their dream homes there.
I love this daydream the best. I know it will never happen, but it could and that keeps me going.
Dream on little dreamweaving Glutenators. "Dream your dreams for without them you are only sleeping."~KF

Abso-Freakin-Lutely

      THIS was announced recently, and I am stunned, shocked, amazed, in awe, excited, thrilled, and most of all sad. This is absolutely the worst part about celiac. Awesome things that come out, and we can't enjoy them. Who hasn't seen the Schweddy balls skit, and laughed themselves silly? No one. It's a classic! A Classic I tell you! I found out this juicy tidbit on THIS blog. Fabulous blogger!
      I love ice cream. I mean LOVE it. I adore it. I would marry it, and have ice cream babies with it. I'm having some dairy issues, and can't enjoy it, so I am forced it eat stupid vanilla soy ice cream. Don't give me any of that "OOh hhmmm quite! Indeed I think it tastes just as good and blah blah harrumph harrumph." No! NO! it does not. It does not taste just as good, and you should be forced to eat soap after saying such malarkey!
      If only I had millions of dollars.. No that wouldn't make my body work right, but I would have millions of dollars! Booyah! Fast cars and faster women for me!
      Sigh...I am sad now. I may just have to run out and get a pint of Jimmy Fallon's late night snack instead. Oh yeah! I can eat that! uh-huh! uh-huh! uh huh uh huh uh huh!

So Unfair

• ---

Our lives revolve around food. The selection of ingredients, the preparation, the clean up, these activities take up a large portion of our everyday lives. Our very survival depends on our food intake. For those of us with food allergies, thoughts of food become almost compulsive.


We can't eat this, can't eat that, can't eat there! See this, want that, can't have it. So we obsess and plan and hoard our gluten free products with rabid looks in our eyes.


Luckily, we live in a world where, for most of us food is plentiful. Imagine what it was like before restaurants, before ovens, before microwaves, refrigerators, even ice! Imagine what it is still like for those who don't have money for food, or a home to eat it in. When put in that context, our challenges become easier to swallow, pun intended.


We don't have to dress warmly in order to endure the bitter cold, as we try to hunt and gather to feed our families, unless you count the subzero temperatures of the grocery store, which sometimes I do! It's cold in there!


In looking for inspiration for this blog, I stumbled across a fabulous site that has a food timeline, telling us when certain food items came into the world. Here it is ----> www.foodtimeline.org. On that site I happened to see fried coca cola. Yes, fried coke! How I ask you? I know we live in a day of decadence, we really do. I have heard of fried twinkies, oreos, pickles, etc. None of which we glutenators can have, which can only be a blessing as we may as well stuff it in an artery as to eat it!


But, fried coke? How do they do this? And why do I want it so bad? It must be gross, it HAS to be, and yet, I want it! I will call it my precious, and my precious it shall be!  How would they do this? Inject the cola into a fried dough ball perhaps? I had to look, and because of my insatiable curiousity, I felt the need to share what I found with you. Here ---> http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/fried_coke


I am convinced this delicacy must be scrumptious. It was sent to temp me into insensibility until I succumb to it's wiles! I will stand firm!  I will remind myself of the poor cavemen and so forth I mentioned above. Hunter and gatherers, yep, that's what I will think of instead of the wonders of fried, doughy, devil sent tantalizations.


Why do we as a nation feel the need to fry everything? I have never been a  fanatic of the fricasee, but I do love fried zucchini, and those green beans they fry up and serve with wasabi sauce? OH the unfairness! I tried to make fried zucchini at home using rice flour, and it smelled like baby formula. Not appetizing at all. I WILL figure it out though, and when I do I will share it with you.


Be strong fellow glutenators, we CAN do this! We WILL do this, and we will do it well! We are tough!

Vacation Bliss

Nestled in the rolling hills and mountains of Vermont lies literally the sweetest little factory imaginable. It is the Ben & Jerry's Factory, and my family and I were lucky enough to be able to go there this weekend.


Never one to pass up an opportunity to eat ice cream, especially Ben & Jerry's, I was ecstatic. After a short tour of the facility, and an education on how their delicacies are made, patrons are then given a sample of their glorious ice cream. The best part? There was a listing on the counter of the ingredients in the sample for those of us with food allergies.


How fabulous is that? To be able to effectively monitor what you are ingesting while on a tour, I thought was an amazing thing. Instead of crossing your fingers while standing on one leg, hoping in our little allergic souls that we don't get sick from the wonders we are about to partake of, someone has taken care of the worrying for you.


As all of us know, being on vacation can cause havoc in our systems, so this moment of mine was a scoop of heaven and was very much enjoyed and appreciated. Enjoy your summers fellow glutenators!

Positivity

Being positive in a negative situation is difficult. It's hard to find the glass half full, the silver lining, or the clown that isn't scary! However, it is necessary when dealing with gluten allergies.


We all have those days where we feel down and wonder "why me?", but we can't let those days beat us down.  In order to be healthy all we have to do is not eat foods with gluten. Too simple? Maybe, because it IS hard to do. Especially when we are accidently glutened.


We can however pull ourselves out of the why me funk, and realize that it could be worse. Here are some examples how:

1. We could have horrific chainsaw accidents that leave us with no arms, and we wouldn't be able to feed ourselves at all! (Gee Kelly, you're so graphic!) But, it's true! that would be awful.
2. Badgers could sneak in and steal ALL of our food! (Badgers? really? YES badgers!, sneaky little buggers.)
3. Paris Hilton could come to your work tomorrow and sing to you all day! (How much would that hurt? That would be painful! Imagine if when she finally left the song she was singing got stuck in your head all night! {shudder})
4. You start to believe your family pets are plotting your demise. (Ok, this isn't a good one because I really do think my cat is trying to kill me, but that's another story)
5. Your best friend could start a new hobby where she/he sits in front of you slowly eating cupcakes and giggling maniacally. (she/he wouldn't be your best friend for long I tell you that!)

The moral of the story is to just be happy. Life is too short for negativity, and if those around you are negative set them straight or move along. None of us need negative influences in our lives, our lives are hard enough. Find the funny in everyday life. Seek out happiness. Enjoy the sunshine, sniff the flowers, they at least are gluten free! Yes, I know you are allergic to flowers too! Well suck it up little glutenators! Take a Zyrtec, and keep on keepin' on!

Gluten Addictive?

Did you know that Gluten can affect the receptors in the brain the same way Opium does? I didn't. It makes sense however, who of us hasn't sat down to a fabulously crafted pizza, or a bowl of pasta and felt that lethargy come on? It also explains why gluten / wheat products can be addictive in their own right, making it difficult for those of us who absolutely know, we KNOW we can't eat them, and yet we just can't help ourselves sometimes.

After the last time I made the mistake of thinking one sandwich won't hurt me, I hope to never fall down that slippery slope again.

On a recent trip to New Hampshire, we went to Weir's beach and they have fried dough there. Think of those words... fried...dough. I am proud and happy to tell you I did not succumb to the deliciousness. It was a glorious piece of work much like funnel cake, but larger and covered in powdered sugar. It would have exploded in my mouth with "fabulousness," and in my gut like dynamite.

My skin would have "rashed out," I would have gotten puffy, and "headachy," nauseous, on and on the symptoms would have hit, and yet I wanted one! So bad! Now, as we are planning a return trip to New Hampshire, I know I will be faced yet again with those fried dough plates of gorgeousness and pain.

But I hope to resist them again, and wish all of you the luck to do the same my fellow glutenators, when faced with your gluten filled temptations.

Gluten Allergy: What It's Really Like

I see a lot of stories about Gluten allergies, but none tell the real story. What it's really like on a daily basis to have a gluten allergy. Most people think, Oh well, if you don't eat it you must feel fine.


Not so! We may feel better, but it's a constant battle. We have to be ever vigilant against the threat of cross contamination, of wheat being in our cosmetics, (cosmetics! How insane is that?) of slipping up and having "just a little", of bloating, diarrhea, constipation, or nausea, of skin rashes, puffiness, headaches, joint aches, memory loss.


It's a daily mission to find clothes that somehow hide our bloated bellies, without making it look worse, or without making us look pregnant when we certainly aren't!


The guy at the kabob place that looks at you weird when you tell him not to put the bread in there, that feels great! Not to mention your poor, long suffering friends and family!


My grandma had celiac sprue, she was sicker that a cat with a 5 pound hairball! But, it never seemed as if it was a bad thing, she made delicious food, grew her own herbs, made her own dressing. It all seemed delicious and fresh and fabulous! Oh How I wish I had paid more attention then!


She made it all seem so effortless, now I know better. But, you never think you are going to have it too. So, how do you prepare? Now it's all about finding a happy balance, and taking care of yourself. So here are some tips! Yay!! Tips!


1. Always know where bathrooms are. Seriously, as soon as you walk in somewhere, be it someone's home, a restaurant, the grocery store, ask where the restroom is. You will be glad you did! I don't mean barge in someone's home and blurt our "Where's the John? I may need to drop a bomb on it!" But, being proactive is the name of the Gluten free game!


2. Do not cheat. DON'T! It's not worth it. That little slice of birthday cake, or delicious, delicious pizza hates you. It wants to make you sick. Hate it right back. If people look at you funny for glaring at food tell them you are a spy, and you think there's a microphone in there! People love spies.


3. Even though it's tempting to hoard your glorious gluten free snacks like a happy little miser, screaming "My Precious" over and over, be nice! It's no one's fault that the snacks cost so much, or are hard to find, and are one of the few things you enjoy. ...On second thought, hoard away little glutenators! That's your nom nom, and they should back off of it!


4. Don't be a Debbie Downer. No one wants to hear about how one time you ate at this restaurant before and got violently ill, and had to spend three days at home curled up by the toilet. Especially if the persons(s) you are talking to happens to enjoy dining at that restaurant. Don't say things like.."I wish I could have fried ice cream", while ravenously watching them as they enjoy their dessert. No one will be your friend anymore.


5. Don't be bitter. Even though finding the words 20ppm or less on the side of the box means that the product you have been stuffing down your gullet, while dancing around your living room  singing "I'm eating crackers!", may or may not have trace amounts of wheat in it, and you may or may not be curled up in a ball later, doesn't mean that you get to be bitter! You get to be proud that you didn't hop in the car, and race over to the FDA demanding restitution and throwing things dramatically. Good Job!

Be Careful!

I am astounded by the amount of foods and products that either have gluten, or wheat flour added to them. Even the delicious salads from restaurants, you know the ones, with the adorable little bags of nuts they give you to sprinkle on top gleefully? Those nuts are coated in wheat flour. Why? What could they possibly add to make nuts better?  The answer is that they sweeten the nuts with a nasty little mixture of honey, and sugar and other chemicals designed to "enhance the flavor' and the flour binds it all to the nuts.


Anyone with a gluten sensitivity, allergy, or full blown celiac knows that salads are our friends. What would we do without salad? But make sure to carefully read any of the ingredients that are listed on any packet that comes with these salads, including the dressing.


Careful is now my middle name. I check everything. Especially after getting sick twice after eating at my favorite sushi restaurant, I found out that not only is wheat in the soy sauce but also in the artificial crab meat! Who knew? This girl does now, and will happily check every label, google every item, and research, research, research!


Good Luck my fellow Glutenators!